Say, mister. Will you stake a fellow American to a meal?

While I know it's not readily apparent by my postings, I really don't mind my job. Well, except for around the holidays. Every year, the week before Christmas, we visit each of our clients to deliver one or more of the following: a card, a poinsettia, and a pie. It is, perhaps, the most humiliating thing I do all year. Conversations go something like this:

"Thanks for spending $500,000 this year. Would you like apple, pumpkin, or pecan with your dying poinsettia? Oh, and don't forget your card. We couldn't pass up those $6.99/box of 16 cards at WalMart. Good thing we have that non-paid intern (i.e. the owner's niece) who can spend her whole day lining up the cards properly with the printer. We think it gives them a homey touch. Don't you?"

We never scrimp or go cheap on anything else all year, but this. The one time we need to throw a few thousand dollars at something and we start pinching pennies.

Think of me tomorrow, when your all snug at your desks, while I'm out sloshing around in three inches of gray slush.

Happy Holidays.
Mave

Hunter Becomes the Hunted

I've been recruited. Me, the recruiter, headhunted! I consider it answered prayer. I can even accept the position without violating my non-compete. I haven't told you the best news yet: I wouldn't have to be on a recruiting desk anymore. Heaven knows I'm a little burnt out on that.

I've been offered an operations manager position for a staffing firm in a different industry. Which is basically what I do now, but with more management responsibility and less recruiting aggravation. I get a budget, I get choose my own staff, I will have time to actually implement my ideas instead of getting pulled away to do all that pesky recruiting crap. Oh, and it'll pay about 20% more to start and go up significantly from that by the end of the first year. The official offer letter is coming tomorrow.

Now the hard part. I really want this new job, but I can't stand the idea of giving notice to my current boss. While I am completely taken advantage of in my current position, I have a few perks that make up for it: flex time, generous bonuses, a boss I can tell to go f*ck himself without fear of being fired, and great co-workers. If I could have the new position at my current place of employment I doubt I'd leave. Unfortunately, we're about a year away from it being possible and I'm pretty sure I won't make it another year in that blasted recruiting chair without sacrificing my sanity or inflicting physical harm on an unsuspecting candidate.

What would you do?

While you are a very talented and charming individual....

.....I couldn't hire you. Because. Of. Your. Socks. I think you're supposed to match your shoes to your belt - not your socks to your blouse. It takes the right person to pull of wearing pink cotton crew socks with a professional business suit and that's not you.

It's not me - it's you,

Mave

Friday Resume Round Up - Put That Thesaurus Down

Eight words that should never be used in one book let alone one resume (definitions from Dictionary.com):

Sedulous
–adjective
1. diligent in application or attention; persevering; assiduous.
2. persistently or carefully maintained: sedulous flattery.

Adduce
–verb (used with object)
1. to bring forward in argument or as evidence; cite as pertinent or conclusive: to adduce reasons in support of a constitutional amendment.

Abnegation
–verb (used with object)
1. to refuse or deny oneself (some rights, conveniences, etc.); reject; renounce.
2. to relinquish; give up.

Autodidact
–noun
1. a person who has learned a subject without the benefit of a teacher or formal education; a self-taught person.

Intrepid
–adjective
1. resolutely fearless; dauntless: an intrepid explorer.

Perpetuity
noun, plural
1. the state or character of being perpetual (often prec. by in): to desire happiness in perpetuity.
2. endless or indefinitely long duration or existence; eternity.
3. something that is perpetual.
4. an annuity paid for life.
5. Law. an interest under which property is less than completely alienable for longer than the law allows.

Palmary
–adjective
1. having or deserving to have the palm of victory or success; praiseworthy: a palmary achievement.

Debility
–noun, plural
1. a weakened or enfeebled state; weakness: Debility prevented him from getting out of bed.
2. a particular mental or physical handicap; disability.

Here they are in their original form:

I am a very sedulous and industrious person. My dexterity will adduce how palmary I am in making a company grow. I have no abnegation in doing whatever tasks that is ask of me. I am also very autodidact and very intrepid in what ever field my future employer needs in me. I am also very meek and never feeble or show debility in what ever task is asked of me. My experience in sales and service will help any company grow and make each companies hopefully have perpetuity for ever.

It's not me - it's you,
Mave

I Wanna Be An Air Force Ranger

Dear Prospective Employee,

While your background as a stable boy is fascinating and, I'm sure, great practical experience for the veterinarian field. It does not, however, qualify you for the design engineer position you saw advertised on the Internet. I realize your "trainable" and a "quick learner" with a great "eye for detail", but that still does not equate to a 4-year degree in mechanical engineering. You seem like a nice kid and, gosh, are you ever eager, but the best I can offer you is a general labor position paying $8.00/hr. I know this sucks, and you were really holding out for a yearly salary of upwards of $70K, but thems the breaks baby.

It's not me - it's you,
Mave

Pick Me, Pick Me - Oh Never Mind

Offender 1:

• Calls twice a day for updates.
• Has a slightly annoyed tone because you haven't found him the perfect job.
• Doesn't return any of your 17 messages when, 3 days after meeting him, you find the perfect position: a title promotion, more money, better hours, closer to home, great environment, fabulous benefits, etc.
• When he finally does return your call, he's not interested in the job because his wife's sister's nephew's best friend was fired from said company SIX years ago for stealing.

Offender 2:

• Always flexible, always returns phone calls, always eager to do any short-term assignments we can find for him.
• Find him a great permanent position that pays him more than his market value and is something he loves doing.
• On his second day on the job he calls to say that he's probably giving his notice next week because he just found out that when he gets hired on permanently they only pay every two weeks and he just can't manage that. To which my response was: Dude, I get paid straight commission once a month - what the heck is your problem.

Offender 3:

• You were a vision of professional loveliness when you walked into our office: impeccably dressed, well-groomed, articulate, degreed, solid work history, strong references, etc.
• You called us three times your first week on the job to thank us - profusely I might add.
• Our client called us twice just to praise us on such a wonderful choice.
• Day 9 on the job you don't show up, you don't call, you don't do anything until I call and wake you up around 9:30 a.m. Then you inform me that somehow, magically, last night you got a job offer in California and you're moving next week. Then you proceed to tell me how you thought the job we helped you find sucked and the people were idiots. Somehow you were offended when I interrupted you and asked if I called the right person. You'll have to pardon me for being confused because just three days ago you said, "I love this so much. I can't imagine ever working anywhere else."

It's not me - it's you,

Mave

Friday Resume Roundup

Resumes from the following email addresses were deleted without being viewed:

foxxxylady78
bigdaddybuck_23
sexxxxyouup
ilikeitrough
slap_my_itch_up
illshowumiine (this one almost made it, at first I thought Illshow Umiine was an immigrant from Eastern Europe.)
dirtydogg_68
badboybadboy
8inches2give
iluvmybigbutt (I admit it - I opened this one up. I have a client who regularly makes her support staff cry and I thought this young lady might be a good foil for her.)
ircrakhead (Dear IR: I saw your cousin, IM Pothead, yesterday. He failed his drug test.)

It's not me - it's you,
Mave