Friday Resume Round Up - Put That Thesaurus Down

Eight words that should never be used in one book let alone one resume (definitions from Dictionary.com):

Sedulous
–adjective
1. diligent in application or attention; persevering; assiduous.
2. persistently or carefully maintained: sedulous flattery.

Adduce
–verb (used with object)
1. to bring forward in argument or as evidence; cite as pertinent or conclusive: to adduce reasons in support of a constitutional amendment.

Abnegation
–verb (used with object)
1. to refuse or deny oneself (some rights, conveniences, etc.); reject; renounce.
2. to relinquish; give up.

Autodidact
–noun
1. a person who has learned a subject without the benefit of a teacher or formal education; a self-taught person.

Intrepid
–adjective
1. resolutely fearless; dauntless: an intrepid explorer.

Perpetuity
noun, plural
1. the state or character of being perpetual (often prec. by in): to desire happiness in perpetuity.
2. endless or indefinitely long duration or existence; eternity.
3. something that is perpetual.
4. an annuity paid for life.
5. Law. an interest under which property is less than completely alienable for longer than the law allows.

Palmary
–adjective
1. having or deserving to have the palm of victory or success; praiseworthy: a palmary achievement.

Debility
–noun, plural
1. a weakened or enfeebled state; weakness: Debility prevented him from getting out of bed.
2. a particular mental or physical handicap; disability.

Here they are in their original form:

I am a very sedulous and industrious person. My dexterity will adduce how palmary I am in making a company grow. I have no abnegation in doing whatever tasks that is ask of me. I am also very autodidact and very intrepid in what ever field my future employer needs in me. I am also very meek and never feeble or show debility in what ever task is asked of me. My experience in sales and service will help any company grow and make each companies hopefully have perpetuity for ever.

It's not me - it's you,
Mave

I Wanna Be An Air Force Ranger

Dear Prospective Employee,

While your background as a stable boy is fascinating and, I'm sure, great practical experience for the veterinarian field. It does not, however, qualify you for the design engineer position you saw advertised on the Internet. I realize your "trainable" and a "quick learner" with a great "eye for detail", but that still does not equate to a 4-year degree in mechanical engineering. You seem like a nice kid and, gosh, are you ever eager, but the best I can offer you is a general labor position paying $8.00/hr. I know this sucks, and you were really holding out for a yearly salary of upwards of $70K, but thems the breaks baby.

It's not me - it's you,
Mave

Pick Me, Pick Me - Oh Never Mind

Offender 1:

• Calls twice a day for updates.
• Has a slightly annoyed tone because you haven't found him the perfect job.
• Doesn't return any of your 17 messages when, 3 days after meeting him, you find the perfect position: a title promotion, more money, better hours, closer to home, great environment, fabulous benefits, etc.
• When he finally does return your call, he's not interested in the job because his wife's sister's nephew's best friend was fired from said company SIX years ago for stealing.

Offender 2:

• Always flexible, always returns phone calls, always eager to do any short-term assignments we can find for him.
• Find him a great permanent position that pays him more than his market value and is something he loves doing.
• On his second day on the job he calls to say that he's probably giving his notice next week because he just found out that when he gets hired on permanently they only pay every two weeks and he just can't manage that. To which my response was: Dude, I get paid straight commission once a month - what the heck is your problem.

Offender 3:

• You were a vision of professional loveliness when you walked into our office: impeccably dressed, well-groomed, articulate, degreed, solid work history, strong references, etc.
• You called us three times your first week on the job to thank us - profusely I might add.
• Our client called us twice just to praise us on such a wonderful choice.
• Day 9 on the job you don't show up, you don't call, you don't do anything until I call and wake you up around 9:30 a.m. Then you inform me that somehow, magically, last night you got a job offer in California and you're moving next week. Then you proceed to tell me how you thought the job we helped you find sucked and the people were idiots. Somehow you were offended when I interrupted you and asked if I called the right person. You'll have to pardon me for being confused because just three days ago you said, "I love this so much. I can't imagine ever working anywhere else."

It's not me - it's you,

Mave

Friday Resume Roundup

Resumes from the following email addresses were deleted without being viewed:

foxxxylady78
bigdaddybuck_23
sexxxxyouup
ilikeitrough
slap_my_itch_up
illshowumiine (this one almost made it, at first I thought Illshow Umiine was an immigrant from Eastern Europe.)
dirtydogg_68
badboybadboy
8inches2give
iluvmybigbutt (I admit it - I opened this one up. I have a client who regularly makes her support staff cry and I thought this young lady might be a good foil for her.)
ircrakhead (Dear IR: I saw your cousin, IM Pothead, yesterday. He failed his drug test.)

It's not me - it's you,
Mave

Don't Cry Out Loud - PLEASE KEEP IT INSIDE YOU

I must listen to my instincts more often. Your work history was sketchy. You haven't held a job for more than 9 months in the last 4 years. But, you kept working for good companies. They must have seen something in you and I know some of them had gone through legitimate layoffs. So I charged ahead and scheduled an interview with you.


The black eye threw me off a bit. You got in a "tussle" - your word, not mine - at the bar. So, that was stale alcohol I smelled on you. Normally, I would have ended the interview right there, but I had some free time and I knew there was a story lurking in there somewhere. You and your ex-wife are fighting over custody of your 15 y.o. daughter. Gosh, that's rough. Oh, and it was her brother's fist that landed in your left eye socket. The daughter's pregnant and that's why tempers are high.


"The 15 y.o." I asked for clarification.

"Just turned 15 last week," you responded.


Your ex is upset because you let your daughter's boyfriend spend the night with her every weekend. I don't see why she'd have a problem with that. And that's when the crying started. Your troubles as I see them: no job, custody battle, daughter and baby to move in with you, and a propensity to come to interviews smelling like a bar towel and start crying. You've been in my chair for 20 minutes now and we haven't even talked about your work experience yet.


Yet you seemed surprised when I stood up and told you that I didn't think now would be a good time for us to start a work relationship. Obviously, you have a lot on your plate and I really don't feel comfortable letting you operate large machinery while your on my payroll.


It's not me - it's you,

Mave

Friday Resume Round Up

Wow, aren't you talented. You worked for the government for 29 whole years. I'm flabbergasted. Really, that's something. Apparently, you learned a lot during those (nearly) three decades. I loved the last line. The one under the Skills heading: "I can do anything, seriously. Call me!"

It's not me - it's you,
Mave

What about "you're fired" don't you understand?

You haven't even worked two full weeks yet. At this new job. You were so excited. So thankful. I thought I found a winner, but yet again I was let down. When I mentioned during the interview that any attendance issues during your first 90 days could lead to your termination did you think I was kidding? Yes, when you miss work for ANY reason, these are called ATTENDANCE ISSUES. Was I unclear? I apologize if that's the case. I didn't think I needed to explain that missing time because your children are sick is an ATTENDANCE ISSUE. I feel for you. I know it's difficult being a single parent, but you need to get a backup plan in place BEFORE you start a job.

Calling me three times and having the same circular conversation with me over and over and over and over... is not going to get me to change my mind. I will not be able to put you back out to work. After that third phone call, it was particularly proactive of you to show up at my office and ask to speak to my manager. I am the manager. So, I let my co-worker pretend that she was my manager.

Did I really hang up on you like you claimed? I believe what I said was: "I can no longer employ you. You have violated our attendance policy. I can't continue to have this conversation with you. I am getting off the phone now." Now that you're unemployed, I know you have a lot of time on your hands, but I don't. I can only devote so much energy to someone that is no longer of use to me. It's harsh I know. I was sweet, understanding, trying to feel your pain, but my patience wore thin on that third call and it was time to get tough with you.

My "manager" told you the same thing didn't she? No job for you - goodbye. All of the sudden your complaint turned, now I was unprofessional because I ended our phone conversation before you were ready to get off the Ferris wheel and I needed to be told that. In fact, you threatened to come back the next day and tell me that to my face. My "manager" handled you with aplomb. I was quite pleased when she responded: "That's not going to change the fact that we can no longer employ you. I don't really see the point of making an unnecessary trip." I'm pretty sure from the way you flipped both us off on your way out that we won't be seeing you again.

It's not me - it's you,
Mave